between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The uberlube is also flammable
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
