I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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