Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
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Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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