some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
