This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
this is an emotional support booty call
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
