Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
