She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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