So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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