I can't breathe out the right side of my face
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
