It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize