i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
