mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
