my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
