Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
