So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
