Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
