Are we in a gay sports bar?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
His nipple licking is glorious
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