Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
