...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
