my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
