Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
