SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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