You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
