I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
