The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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