just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
