I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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