why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
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