I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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