Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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