using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
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All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
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Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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