after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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