I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
