if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
