I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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