I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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