Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
