i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
