the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
