He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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