he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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