So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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