dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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