I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
