I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
