the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
