Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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