I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
