We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
