I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
