did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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