Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
