Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
not ubering you a puppy
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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